Lonely? No problem. If you don't have any friends there's this guy you can call: The Party Cobra.
He'll post an ad in Casual Encounters and next thing you know all these wholesome Craigslist people storm your apartment at midnight and your neighbors are instantly impressed that you have so many friends. (They'll talk about it for weeks.)
Suddenly you're popular and cool and your party is a hit and you wake up cold in the bathtub with your carpets ruined and your dog is sick and your plumbing no longer works and and it hurts when you pee and there are several dead people in your kitchen all thanks to The Party Cobra.