Junkyard Sam

Emails from myself to myself. Visit JunkyardSam.com for the good stuff.



The aliens came to take the Earth's water
But they had a change of heart
When they heard the mayor's daughter

"All life is sacred... for a start,"
"And Earth's not an intergalactic Water-Mart!"
"This fluid means life, and we need it to live,"
"So please spare our lives, we've so much more to give!"

So the aliens that came with an intention to take
Ev'ry last bit of water, from ocean to lake
Became friends to the people, brought smiles instead!
Thanks to the mayor's daughter and the words she said.


The People Holes

With construction work to do
(And so much to be done)
Sometimes a road crew does strange things
To make the day more fun

And I am here today, to tell you 'bout these creeps
Who took these mens' toupees and buried them deep in the street
Right up to their necks, "With no sunblock!" they said
Sitting in the road all day their heads were turning red

And traffic would not stop!
Instead they scoffed and sped around
Exhaust was bad, the sad heads coughed
So soft you barely heard a sound

Thank God for the police, who came to the rescue
Here to keep the peace arrived the heroes dressed in blue.
But they didn't come to save the heads (that's too much work, you see)
These cops showed up to laugh and feed them donuts and coffee!



Here's my final for the Doodlers Anonymous BLIK clock face design challenge.


Safe Passage with the Gallant Goodbot

Heinous Stinkbots are coming to eat the baby Quaggles! Swordmaster Mylo wants to fight, but a Gallant Goodbot has offered the family safe passage to a better land where Happy Propellerbots watch over the flock and strange bunnies rain down from the sky to deliver purple flowers.


Heap of Wack Peeps

A man named Dan was a running man with a plan
Who ran by a tan cop standing by in the sand
With a donut in his hand and mouth filled with sharp teeth
Deeply focused on the pastry he was trying to eat...

While the hipster in a sleek suit chin-checked a bird
Who demanded respect, "Call me 'sir' or get pecked!"
"Well that's absurd," reflected the nerd (who grew up to be fat)
With that sleep walking man who looked oddly like his dad.

But Santa has a box for the feather-necked Pherg,
Who was disturbed by that shlock who tried to beat that sweet bird
If you're perturbed by this heap of wack peeps on the street
Just take a seat and sit back - you're in for a treat!


Paulo the Spider Rider and the Rock Steady Blockheads

This is Paulo the Spider Rider and the Rock Steady Blockheads, a ragtag group of storytellers and herbologists from the deep south. There are times in life when one realizes mankind needs more carnivorous plants. Paulo figured this out long ago and is doing something about it. Be sure to attend his tales when he passes through your town, but listen to what the blockhead said: "Steer clear of the biennials, and don't pet the plants."


The Brownstone Spiders

I love New York and I'd move my family there if not for the Brownstone Spiders. Look, I know the architecture there is incredible and the rugged sense of community runs strong in those neighborhoods... But I'll be damned if I let my family get eaten by one of those things. Nice architecture or not.


Bad Aliens

When I was a kid there was an empty lot next to my house where aliens would land sometimes. The aliens would make me do things like play tricks on my sister and not finish my homework. I never knew why they chose me to bother but I'm certain it was my neighbor's fault.

The neighbor worked at Frito-Lay and was always smoking in his yard while watering his dandelions. Sometimes he would make me mow his lawn, but only when the grass was so high my lawnmower could barely cut it and there were snakes in his yard. The aliens were probably there to feed on his well-fertilized grass, but never enough to make it easy to mow.


New Work In Progress

New work in progress includes aliens and a chubby fellow watering his yard.